My kids are out of control and I’m proud of it.

Photo by Freya Dawson

My kids are out of control.

They always have been. They always will be.

Out of MY control that is.

They’ve grown into young adults now, so of course they’re out of my control. But they were out of my control when they were 3, and 7years old too.

Does that make you squirm?

It made me want to hide under a rock many times.

Like the time my kid hit another little boy at the homeschool meet up.

Or the time he thrashed around screaming on the floor at the supermarket checkout.

Or when he climbed under the table at the fancy restaurant and refused to come out.

Or when my son stayed up until 3am playing video games for weeks on end.

There were countless times when my two out-of-control sons had me squirming in discomfort, embarrassment, frustration and anger and ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIED of the negative judgements I was receiving from people around me.

So I understand that letting go of control is not comfortable.

It’s really hard at times and the whole idea of letting go of control is probably going to panic you. It certainly felt that way to me. But it was a case of “feel the fear and do it anyway.”

Even though it’s going to make you squirm, letting go of control is still a better, saner and kinder option than trying to control your children.

This is because control is impossible and futile.

It might seem like control is possible in the short term. But can you think of an example of control that hasn’t come unstuck in the long term? The most repressed and controlled children usually go off the rails sometime in adulthood — or become alcoholics. The most controlling dictators topple eventually — or die.

Control is ultimately based in fear, and fear never triumphs in the long term. Love is always stronger.

When we go down the path of control as parents we are running on conditioned thinking. Conditioned thinking is old programming. It’s stale, repetitive and invites conflict. Control perpetuates thought patterns that have caused human suffering for millennia.

It’s time to take pride in the choice to let go of control.

It’s time to abandon the yelling, punishing, manipulating, threatening, disciplining and shaming that are the tools of control.

If I don’t try and control my children what am I supposed to do?

Instead of trying to control your children — how about shifting your relationship with the judging voice in your own head??

It’s time to notice the voice in your own head that’s trying to punish, shame, judge and threaten you.

You don’t have to listen and believe those self-judgements.

Ask yourself this: Who would you be without the inner critic harping on at you all day, telling you you’re too fat, not good enough, a bad parent, not doing enough, too messy, negligent, a failure BLAH, BLAH, BLAH…..?

I bet you’d be kinder to your children.

I bet you’d have the inner calm to handle your child’s emotions and impulsive behaviour.

Without your belief in your inner judging voice, I bet you’d be a really lovely influence in the life of your child — a kind, calm and loving person who is available to help and to hug.

Shifting my attention from trying to control my children to dealing with my inner world was the best decision I’ve ever made.

It wasn’t just one decision, of course. The habit of trying to control children was a hard one to break!!! It took many, many, many decisions to bring my attention back to what I was thinking and believing about the situation rather than trying to control it “out there”.

Every bit of inner work is another step towards the kind, calm, loving energy that is your true nature.

Do you want to join the celebration of kindness and influence in parenting instead of control and conflict??

I hope so! It’s fun. Really.

It’s enough to make me squirm and dance with delight.

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I’m a parenting, unschooling and spiritual mentor and writer. I help parents live with their children without stress or struggle.

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Freya Dawson

Freya Dawson

I’m a parenting, unschooling and spiritual mentor and writer. I help parents live with their children without stress or struggle.

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